All I can do
by Leia Organa Solo
Summary: It's a Carby! What should have happened before Carter left for Kisangani...


spoilers: Lockdown, Foreign Affairs, Kisangani (although this fic is set before this episode!)

disclaimer: I don't own them (wish I did – at least Carter!). 

author's notes: This is a story about what should've happened before Carter left for Kisangani. Basically, it's because I don't really like what happened between them after Gamma's funeral. It's my first Carby-fic, so… I hope you'll like it! 

This story was posted by me for the first time on the Doc Magoo's Forum. 

Carter stared at his bag packs. _Now, I'm sure I forgot something…, he thought, summing up all the things he'd need in Africa. _

"My passport! That's it!" he suddenly remembered. "Where did I put the damn thing?"

He walked across the room, checking every possible place where he could've put it. He threw a glance at the alarm-clock. He still had a few hours before the plane left…

He looked around, scratching the back of his head.

_Where would I hide if I were a passport…?_

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Damn it! What now?" he said, irritated, as he walked to the door. He swung the door open and opened his mouth to tell the person in front of him that he didn't have much time, but ended up saying nothing at all when he saw who it was.

"Hi John," Abby said quietly.

He didn't really know how to feel. He was both annoyed and happy that she had come here and there were probably a million things he wanted to say to her…

"Hi," he said instead. He stepped aside, allowing her to come in.

_Oh God, he's still angry at me, Abby thought as she realised he wasn't really going to start talking. _

"So…," she finally said, breaking the awkward tension between them, "are you still packing?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"When does your plane leave?"

He looked at his watch, again. "Oh not in a couple of hours."

He walked around the living room, still looking for the passport. Abby crossed her arms and watched him intensely. He looked good. His hair was a little shorter and she could see he hadn't shaved this morning, but he still looked as beautiful as always. She had missed him during the past couple of days. She had really missed him…

"Are you erm… looking for something?" she asked. He looked up, surprised, as if he had forgotten that she was there. _Great, she thought._

"Yes, my passport. I can't remember where I put it…"

"You want me to help you?"

"No… no, it's okay, just give me a minute…" he said. He left the room and went into the kitchen. He closed his eyes. He didn't know why he was still acting so cold towards her… Abby of all people! 

Abby sighed and looked around, when she suddenly spotted the passport on the table amongst some other paperwork. She took it and went after Carter into the kitchen. She stopped in the doorway when she saw him. He was leaning over the sink, his eyes were closed and his face had become pale all of a sudden.

"John… are you alright?"

He startled from the sound of her voice.

"Yeah… I'm fine… I was just… thinking," he said, turning around to face her. He spotted the passport in her hands. "You found it?"

She was glad to hear some relief in his voice. _At least he's talking to me…, she thought, as she handed it over._

"It was lying on the table."

"Of course," he muttered, "I look everywhere and I don't find it, even when it's right under my nose!"

She smiled. 

_God, I missed that smiled, Carter said to himself. It had been a long time since he had seen it. But then again, it had probably been a long time since he had smiled, too. It was as if their lives didn't give them enough reasons to smile anymore…_

They looked at eachother for a few moments, both waiting for the other one to speak, both thinking about what the next step would be.

"Look…," they both said at the same time. 

"Oh sorry, you go first," Carter said, apologizing. He had half expected her to say the same thing to him, but she didn't.

"Thanks…," she said instead, nervously clasping her hands together. There she was, standing in front of the man who knew her better than anybody else, the only person in her life she felt absolutely comfortable and safe with. And still… her hands were shaking. He noticed it too, but didn't say anything. 

"Erm… I came here to tell you that I'm sorry. Sorry for everything that has happened at the funeral…"

"Abby… don't…," Carter interrupted.

"No wait, let me finish… please?"

She looked at him and he could see by the look on her face that she really needed this talk. And so he let her.

"And I know that I haven't said this a lot, hell I don't even know if I ever said it at all but … I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone before. I love you so much that it scares the hell out of me. You've always been there for me, as my friend, my lover, my soul mate. Whenever I needed someone to talk to, to confide in or just to hold me, you were there, I could count on you."

Abby turned around and walked slowly back into the living room, desperately trying to stop the tears from coming. 

"And eventhough I turned my back on you a few times, you always came back to me, you always understood. And now… for once... you were the one that needed to talk, you were the one that needed to be hold. And I wasn't there for you. I turned my back on you again… I failed you."

She was crying openly now, much against her own will. It hadn't been her intention to get all emotional about it and she felt as if she was looking for his pity or something. She didn't need him to feel sorry for her, she just wanted to tell him how she felt.

She turned around to face him. He hadn't said a word since she had begun talking, he had just been staring at her the whole time. She wanted to know what he was feeling, she needed to know what was going to happen. But he didn't speak. He just… stared.

"I want you to know that I'll be here… waiting for you, when… if you come back. But only if you want me to. Only if you still want me to be a part of your life."

A long silence followed. Her hands were shaking even more now. _Why doesn't he talk to me? _she wondered. A feeling of despair came over her. _Maybe he really doesn't want me at all, anymore. Maybe he's just thinking of a way how to tell me it's over… for good._

She sighed.

"Okay… then maybe I should go away now," she whispered, her voice full of tears. She turned around and walked to the front door. 

"Goodbye, Carter. Be careful."

And then, she was gone. Carter stared at the closed door.

_What have I done?? I didn't even say a word to her! What the hell's the matter with me?!_

Abby walked as fast as she could, away from the house, away from the man she loved. Probably forever. She couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe that after all they had been through together, after everything that had happened to them, it was over._ And I did it all to myself, she thought, roughly wiping away the tears from her face. But then she suddenly heard a voice call after her._

"Abby! Abby!"

She turned around and saw John Carter running towards her.

"Abby, wait!"

He slowed down when he saw she wasn't walking anymore. He stopped at a few steps from her and stared at her, like he had done a few moments earlier. Her eyes were red from crying, her hair was already soaked from the rain that was falling down the sky in litters and he could see she was trembling all over her body. 

_What have I done to her? he thought._

He slowly walked towards her, never losing eye contact.

"Don't go, Abby. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you away like that, I was just… taken aback by what you just told me."

He touched her cheek softly with his finger.

"I'm so sorry, Abby. I shouldn't have blamed you for everything that happened. It wasn't your fault at all. I think I just… needed someone to be angry with. And instead of being angry with myself… I guess the people you hurt the most are the people you care about the most."

He smiled and took a step closer to her, putting his arms around her waist. 

"And I do love you," he whispered, before planting a kiss on her forehead. At first, Abby hesitated, but she eventually leaned into the embrace. She didn't really understand what was happening. A few moments ago, she had thought she had lost everything that mattered to her. And now, she couldn't be closer to him. She closed her eyes, holding on to him, not wanting to let him go just yet. Cause maybe it was all a dream. Maybe, if she would let go now, she would realise that he hadn't come after her at all. And that she really had lost everything…

So they just stood there for a while, in the rain, holding eachother.

"I missed you," she said softly, looking up at him. He smiled and carefully tucked a few strands of hair behind her ears. 

"I missed you too."

Their eyes locked for a few moments, the both of them not knowing what to say next. It was Abby who ended the silence between them, saying the thing that had brought them together in the first place.

"Tell me we're gonna be okay."

It didn't mean what it had meant all those months ago, but he understood, nevertheless.

"We're gonna be okay," he answered, before bending down to kiss her. The kiss was much like their first one. It was as gentle and sweet as had been back then. Although this time it lasted a little longer and the circumstances were a bit less frightening. 

When they broke away, they simply stared at eachother. Smiling.

_He's real, she thought. It was all she could think about. _He came after me. He told me he loved me. We're gonna be okay… we're gonna be okay.__

"Come on, let's go back inside," Carter said, taking her hand, gently squeezing it. He thought about how perfect it fit in his. He loved it. He loved her. He really did.

They stopped in front of his door. He hadn't closed it when he had ran after her. And maybe that was a good thing, cause he hadn't really taken his keys with him. He made no intention of going inside, though.

"What is it?" she asked, suddenly worried by the look on his face. Maybe he had changed his mind. 

"Will you marry me?"

"What…?" 

She was stunned. He was proposing? For real?

And she was even more stunned at what he did next. He kneeled in front of her, taking both of her hands in his and kissing them.

"Abby… will you be my wife?"

She stared into his eyes, trying to read his mind, trying to find out if he was only joking. But all she saw was sincerity and love. 

"Are you… serious?"

He smiled. "I've never been more serious in my entire life."

_She's going to say no, he thought. He started to prepare himself for the inevitable word of rejection, but instead she did something he hadn't expected her to do at all: she started laughing._

"I don't believe this! I'm asking you the most important question a man can ask and you're laughing at me?"

He got back on his feet, clearly feeling insulted. But she put her hands on his arms to reassure him that she wasn't laughing at him.

"No, no, that's not it. I was just thinking about how you really know how to pick your moments. First you shout it at me on the roof with a helicopter circling above us and now you're kneeling in front of me in the pouring rain!"

He nodded and started laughing too.

"Yeah, well, that's me..."

"Yes."

 "What?"

"Yes, I wanna marry you!" she shouted happily. She took his face between her hands and kissed him. 

_She said yes, he thought, __she really said yes!_

"You know what this means, do you?" he asked. His eyes were twinkling.

"Yes," she whispered. She knew exactly what he meant. "We're gonna be husband and wife." 

He nodded and put his arms around her again, pulling her into another embrace.

"I love you, I love you so much," she said. 

He put his forehead against hers.

"I love you too." 

And again, then stood there for a long time, just looking at one another.

"I really think we should go inside now," she finally said with a giggle, "we're soaked to the bone!"

"Yeah, you're probably right."

He took her hand in his again. "C'mon Mrs. Carter, let's get rid of these wet clothes, shall we?"

"You know, I'm not Mrs. Carter just yet. But I agree with you about the clothes."

"John… as much as I love it here, I think it's time for you to leave. You have a plane to catch."

They had been sitting on the couch for a long time, after their shower. Abby's head rested in his lap and he was softly stroking her hair. He sighed, planting a small kiss on her head before getting up from the couch.

"I know."

He went to his bagpacks and stared at them for a while. She came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her head against his back.

"What is it?" she asked softly.

"A few hours ago I wanted to get out of here so badly. And now… I don't wanna go at all."

He turned around in her arms.

"Good thing it's only for two weeks," she said.

"Two weeks… it will still be an eternity. But at least I'll have something to look forward to." "That's true," she said with a smile. She gave him a quick kiss, before getting out of their embrace.

"You go take your bags and I'll call a cab to drive us to the airport."

"Us?"

She nodded. "Yes, I'm coming with you to see you off. I wanna be the last person you see before you fly of to the jungle."

He watched her walking over to the telephone and dialling the number. He loved watching her. He hadn't been able to take his eyes of her ever since she first walked into the ER. And after he would come back from Africa, he could watch her for the rest of his life…

"All passengers for Kinshasa, please go to gate 8 for boarding."

Abby and John looked at eachother. This was it. It was time to leave.

"That's my plane," he whispered.

"I know."

The walk to gate nine was long and silent. Neither one of them dared to speak, although there were many things to say. Abby's mind went crazy. 

_I don't want him to leave. What if something happens? What if he doesn't come back alive? What if…?_

She felt him put his arm around her shoulder, as if he wanted to comfort her. Did he know what she was thinking? Was he thinking about it to?

She put her arms around his waist and pressed herself closer to his body as they kept walking in silence.

"Carter…," she started when they arrived at gate nine. People were waiting in line with their tickets in their hands, to board the plane. 

"Yes?"

"I love you."

He smiled and kissed her on the lips. "I know. And I love you too."

They wrapped their arms around eachother one last time.

"Please be careful. And come back safely," she whispered against his chest. She felt the tears sting in her eyes. _I will not cry, she said to herself,__ I have to be strong! _

"I will. I promise."

She looked up at him and was surprised to see there were tears in his eyes too. She had only seen him cry a few times before. When Mark and Gamma died…

"Don't cry," she whispered and smiled through her own tears. "After all, you told me we're gonna be okay."

He nodded as he touched her wet cheek. _So much for being strong, she thought, silently cursing herself._

"We are," he said. His hand went to his pocket and closed around the object he had quickly taken from his closet, before they had left for the airport. It had never been the right time. But now it was…

"Excuse me sir, miss… are you going to board?" the girl behind the boarding desk asked.

"Yes, I'll be right there," John said, never taking his eyes off the woman in front of him. "Well I guess it's time to say goodbye then. I'm gonna miss you."

"Me too."

He took her hand in his and placed the object in it, before closing her fingers around it and planting a kiss on her forehead.

"Bye Abby, see you in two weeks," he said, then turned around and walked over to the desk, handing the girl his ticket.

Abby looked at the thing in her hands. It was a blue velvet box. She recognized it immediately and smiled. _It's for real then, she thought. __We're getting married!_

She looked up and saw John smiling at her. He waved at her and disappeared into corridor that lead to the plane.

"I love you!" she shouted after him.

"I love you too!" it sounded from the corridor.

The desk-girl smiled at her. 

"You're a very lucky girl," she said. Abby looked at the ring in her hands and slipped it over her finger. She nodded.

"I am," she said with a big smile on her face, " and you know why? Because we're gonna be okay!"

The girl obviously didn't understand what that meant, but she nodded nevertheless. Abby turned around and walked away from gate nine. And eventhough the love of her life wasn't with her right now, she felt happier than she could ever be…

THE END


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